August: Mambo No. 5 or Chakra No. 2?

Because I want to.

Period. Full stop.

In all the stories I write in my head, commas are used like an Oprah giveaway. Every sentence has more explanation than needed and runs far too long. Perhaps growing up as the first daughter of immigrant parents trained me to people please on instinct and to give 50 reasons on why you might need something. Or it’s probably just a personal trait learned from a place unbeknownst to me, but for a long time simply wanting couldn’t be enough. 

There were times in early adulthood in which I would experience literal panic attacks because I had a free day and couldn’t decide what to do with it. I’d ask myself what I wanted to do and come up blank. I had no idea what I wanted and realized I had never asked. I had neglected wanting something new, wanting an experience, I had neglected spending time with others, and I had even neglected my hunger. I’d put more importance on work or what someone else needed of me. At some point it felt easier to not want anything, the circus of figuring it out for myself was loathsome. 

I had to practice, which now years later sounds so weird, but I did. I practiced wanting and giving to myself. I dedicated a whole month one year to buying myself whatever I wanted without rhyme or reason. Funny enough, I managed to get it wrong often and returned a lot of things because I did not in fact want or like them. I also learned that retail therapy is actually super ineffective and unrelated to inner work. Trail and error. 

During this period of time I experienced chronic low back pain, pelvis region chitta, and painful lower belly discomforts. Mixed into all the therapy and self awareness was meditation to help support me. The region from lower belly to pelvis is called Svadhisthana or Sacral Chakra. Short and sweet, the second chakra relates to wants, processing feelings, and creativity.

I continued to work on this for years and eventually, felt a lot better mentally and physically. But every now and then, I hear the inner dialogue begin and the commas come out with all their overexplaining.

I remind myself: It’s okay, we can edit.

Yesterday I wanted to meet a friend in LA. I wanted to go to LACMA alone. I wanted to eat a hotdog from Costco real bad. So I did, because I wanted to.

Some days I’ll be a run on sentence and other days a word. I am “healed” because I want to continue to try not because it’s over with.