September: Knit, stitch, and sew

To be earnest, I am here to tell you that I am not sure what to expand on, what insights to share with you because I have none.

I’m a ball of yarn in heavy knots lately. Mentally and physically.

I have done a good job of distracting myself with classes, cleaning, and working to not look inwards.

I have been avoiding myself. I thought it was a recent thing, but a few days ago it dawned on me that I have been in blissful avoidance for far longer than I realized.

I returned to my daily meditation practice in August after a short pause or so I thought. Six years ago I used to do it daily. Six years is a while ago, but post pandemic, 2020 never seemed that far away for some reason.

After the first few mornings I was floored at how hard it was to drop in, I was shocked at how much effort I needed to make my brain shut up.

I miss the beautiful, blissful buzz after dedicated silence. I miss feeling integrated within myself. I miss myself.

So I wake up everyday, light my candles and try. Over and over. Focus on breath, drop the list, listen to the song, feel the body, connect. So far its a struggle but I show up. Just ten minutes.

I’m not coming back like I used to, six years ago I was different. I show up with anticipation hoping that who I sit with is someone I like.

It’s time for Svadhyaya again, the practice of self study. Not to correct or judge, but to see you. To witness myself, where am I? I am here.

Clunky but trying.

Am I expecting an Earth shattering shift? No. But the seasons will change soon and I’d like to make a scarf out of this yarn instead of a mess.

Happy September.