June: Pool Time?

When others pour out or when I pour into myself, where does it land? Forget others. How do I hold myself?

I stand with shattered pieces at my feet, I am still, to make sure I do not bleed. The vase that held it all has become many sharp weapons waiting to attack me by my own hand. Or foot. 

My heart rate starts to meet me, calming as I find my breath, the pounding leaves my brain and returns to my chest. The quiet starts to enter through my nose like an inhale. 

Why did I do that? 

I built a beautiful vase a long time ago, the most stunning little thing, something I had only ever dreamt of. 

She was so floral and ornate, I lovingly spent hours upon hours molding it. 

Curing it.

  I loved her so much.

So I broke it. 

All the pieces produced an intense silence. As if the echoes of the vase had been released, no longer repeating the stories I held as prayers about myself, about others, and about you. 

You see, I have this much younger voice that routinely reminds me to not take up space, emotionally or physically. A phonebook sized story book of narratives lives inside my head. I had thought all this time that my ability to make my needs small or unknown was a service to others.

 Instead it was the robbery of a lifetime.   

I built myself a tiny, Barbie sized vase to hold some plastic flowers that would never need water. This beauty was supposed to hold me. The contrast of needs to space is aggressive, soon enough I believed I was too much. 

I am not too much, I understand that better now. 

However, to let go of narratives that no longer serve me will take some dedicated time, it’s only quiet for now. I’m okay with time, overnight success is overrated anyhow. 

So anyways, I went full Margot Robbie and broke my metaphorical clay vase. 

And now, I’m walking away, dodging shards and towards an even cooler and larger receptacle I hope.

A little lost, but okay. Somewhere in the distance, I think I’m seeing a very neat, and gargantuan  inflatable pool made of sturdy eco-friendly material for me and all my friends to play in. 

Maybe it’s time to learn to swim?